Helping someone as time passes
Many grieving people find that support from others starts to fade away after the funeral. In fact, when someone close dies, the grief may only just be starting. There is a lot you can do to help someone as time passes, both emotionally and practically.
I remember a month later people stopped asking how I was and I have never felt so alone.
Grief takes time
When someone dies, it’s not something you ever really get over.
Instead people learn to live with their grief or grow around it. Sometimes the pain of grief may return just as intensely after months or even years.
Understanding this – and being one of those people who continue to check in – can help someone feel less alone. Practical needs don’t disappear either. In some cases, someone may need ongoing help, for example if they have children.
People just sending a text, or message every so often just checking in. One of my relatives sent me a beautiful book of poems and a book, found a lot of comfort in all these things. Friends making time for you, and intentionally giving space and time to talk about the one you've lost.
Give it time. Grieving is not a linear process. Everybody grieves differently. Respect that and don't rush people. When your heart is completely broken with loss and you can barely function the last thing anybody needs to hear is 'get over it'
Remember anniversaries and reminders
The first milestones without someone who dies can be really tough. These can include:
- The anniversary of their death and of any significant events leading up to it (diagnosis, going into hospital or hospice)
- Birthdays – their own, that of the person who died and other close family members
- Wedding anniversaries
- Christmas and other religious festivals and events important to the person
- Mother’s Day and Father’s Day
- Summer holidays
- Any other milestone or achievement in work, school or personal life.
Those who are grieving often dread these events. They will appreciate others remembering the person who died at these times, and bearing in mind happy times are not happy for everyone, or can be bitter-sweet.
If you are close to someone, you could offer to help them make a plan for how they will get through these events, or offer to be with them.
It's nice to know that friends and family remember days that might be hard for you; birthdays, anniversaries etc. and get in touch to offer support, without expecting a reply
Keep in touch, even when it seems to you that quite a lot of time has passed. It might not feel like that to the person who’s grieving. Keep the person who died in the conversation – they are still so much a part of the grieving person’s life.
After a year
The first year after someone dies is hard, but some people find the second year even harder. Others around them are starting to forget or may even feel that they should be over it by now. They have got through all the ‘firsts’ without someone, but now they have to come to terms with the new normal. The reality that someone is never coming back starts to hit all over again.
Even years or decades later, new milestones can bring back grief. Many situations will remind someone that someone is missing:
- death of a shared pet
- getting married or divorced
- birth of children or grandchildren
- moving from somewhere they lived together.
Sometimes people worry that they will upset a grieving friend or relative by bringing up the past. But they have not forgotten. It can be very comforting to know someone else remembers too.
When I had a child of my own, the grief hit me all over again.
I'm not religious but for the first probably 10 years after my dad died, I used to go and light a candle in church. I felt like it was a way of him seeing me and knowing I cared somehow.
Find out more
Read more about helping someone in the first months after a death – including practical tasks.
Find out more about the effects of grief and what can help in our pages on Understanding grief