Supporting children and young people after someone dies
Children and teenagers grieve just as adults do, but they may show it differently. Their understanding and reactions will change over time, and as they grow older.
Talking to a child before and after someone dies
Sometimes people think that children and young people may not know what is going on when someone is ill, dying, or has just died. Despite what many people think, very young children will pick up on things going round them, and be affected by the emotions of those caring for them.
It can be frightening not to know what’s going on, and children will also sometimes assume they are to blame in some way. It’s better to be clear and open wherever possible, using age-appropriate language.
When someone is ill and may die
If someone is very ill, dying or might die, tell the child or young person what is happening in clear language. Answer any questions as honestly as possible. Don’t make false promises, and be honest if you don’t know the answer.
Sometimes they may not react at all or appear not to listen. Don’t force it. Be prepared to try again at another time, and be ready for questions to pop up when you are not expecting it.
If they want to talk at a time when it’s difficult to do so, explain that to them, and remember to come back to it later. You could set a time with them. This can help the child feel safe and nurtured.
After someone dies
Tell them as soon as you can. Try and adapt your language to their age and understanding, but don’t say things that might be misunderstood – for example ‘gone to sleep’, ‘passed on’, ‘gone away to a better place’.
Check their understanding and let them ask questions. Reassure them that they are loved and that people are there to look after them.
How children and young people grieve
Very young children will not understand that death is permanent. You may need to explain it to them several times in different ways.
In the early days after someone dies, a child may need to dip in and out of grief – often children will appear to play as normal or be unaffected. This doesn’t always mean they haven’t understood and it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Their younger brains just need a break.
Whatever the age of the child or young person, sometimes grief may show itself in other behaviours:
- regressing or behaving as they did when they were younger
- challenging behaviours at school and problems with school work
- anger towards others
- becoming very withdrawn
- problems with anxiety or sleep.
Helping a child after some time has passed
Children and teenager’s understanding of death will change, and the way they grieve may change too. As their understanding increases over the years, they may grieve the loss several times, as the loss will mean something different for them as life progresses.
Milestones and anniversaries may be difficult as they understand once more that someone is missing.
What might help:
- Talking and listening.
- Reading age-appropriate picture books or stories – these can also be a starting point for a conversation about what’s happened or their feelings.
- Sharing memories of the person who died and looking at pictures together.
- Using creative tools to help them express and remember: memory boxes, scrapbooks, drawing.
- Make sure school and others who care for the child or young person know what has happened.
If you’re grieving too
If you are grieving yourself it’s OK to let a child or teenager see that you are sad, or to cry in front of them or with them.
Try and make some time for you to grieve apart from them too. If you are finding their grief difficult to cope with alongside your own, if possible find someone else who they can talk to, and who can try and answer any questions they have.