What to say when someone is grieving
We have some suggestions if you want to speak to someone after someone dies, but don’t know how to start.
Say something, not nothing
It’s normal and human to worry about saying the wrong thing. But most people are more likely to notice those who didn’t say anything, than those who did.
Talk, don't keep quiet. It's best to talk as otherwise people grieving can feel isolated
Listening is just as important
When you are listening to someone who is grieving, your role is not to fix their problem. Being a good listener can help.
- Concentrate and try not to think about what you want to say back until they’ve finished.
- Show you are listening by nodding or saying something like ‘mmhmm’.
- Check understanding by trying to say what you think they have said back to them.
- Try not to rush in and share your own experiences.
- Only offer advice if they ask for it.
Listening, no matter what I said and not telling me things would get better.
The worst thing is having to button it all up and not feel free to talk.
Talk about the person
People often find it very comforting to talk about the person who died. If you knew them you could share your memories. If you didn’t know them, you could ask about what they were like.
People sometimes need to go over what happened several times, before and after someone died, with someone they know well. But sometimes people find that being with other people can be too much, and would rather be silent. Try and be guided by them.
I think it was the little comments of how people remembered my mum. Small things like ‘she made me toast’ or ‘she used to call me this nickname’
Seeing all the comments on my Facebook page. Just saying how nice my lovely husband was. It was like caring arms around me.
If you’re offering help, be specific
People often want to help, but wait for the bereaved person to tell them what they need.
That might not happen because planning and asking takes energy. It’s better to make specific suggestions about how you might help.
Be patient but consistent. Check in. Give hugs. Do practical things, make them food, collect the kids from school. Don't offer help as people like me won't take you up on it, just do the help, tell them you're getting the kids, leave them food.
Be honest about what you can do
If you want to help someone, be honest with them (and yourself) about what you can do. Don’t promise help you can’t deliver.
Be aware that grief is not related to just daytime or just nighttime, it is all encompassing 24 hours a day, so if you say you are available for support anytime, genuinely mean anytime, otherwise let the person know times that might be difficult to be available.
What if you get it wrong?
Everyone is different. You can’t expect to say exactly what someone wants or needs to hear every time. Grief comes with strong emotions and sometimes these are expressed to the people around, even if those people mean well and were trying to help.
If you think you have said the wrong thing, or someone is upset with you, apologise and try to understand their feelings. But sometimes, whatever you said, you might have to live with some uncomfortable feelings of your own.
Remember, doing or saying nothing is also a decision, and one that might just as easily hurt someone’s feelings.
The most helpful things to say
If you’re not sure what to say, it’s better to say something than nothing. But putting in a bit of thought to make things personal can really help.
Standard ways of saying things can be a help if you really don’t know where to start, but they can sound a bit impersonal.
Some suggestions
Instead of: ‘Sorry for your loss’
Think about saying: ‘I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad’.
Instead of: ‘You know where I am if you need me’.
Think about saying: ‘I’ll call Thursday at 7pm, answer if you feel like talking, or I’ll try again next week’.
Instead of: ‘Let me know if I can do anything’.
Think about saying: ‘I’ll pick the kids up on Tuesday and give them tea if you like’.
Or: ‘I could come round Friday lunchtime and we could go through the funeral plan?’
Instead of: ‘I know how you feel’.
Think about saying: ‘How are you feeling today?’.
Instead of: ‘At least they had a long, happy life’.
Think about saying: ‘I’d love to hear more about their life.’
Instead of: ‘How did they die?’
Think about saying: ‘I’m here if you want to talk about it’.
It’s best to not to guess how someone feels and what they want. Try to avoid saying things like:
- ‘At least they’re not suffering any more’
- ‘Time is a great healer’
- ‘I’m sure you’ll meet someone new, in time’
- ‘You’re young enough to have another baby’
- ‘The other kids/your parents/partner must be a great comfort’
- ‘It must be a relief in a way’
Remember you don’t always have to say anything, sometimes company and a listening ear is enough.
Ultimately there is nothing you can say that will bring the person back, so just being there is enough.
You don’t always need to talk, just your presence
Find out more
Read more about helping someone in the first months after a death – including practical tasks
Find out more about the effects of grief and what can help in our pages on Understanding grief